5 Fucking Minutes

5 fucking minutes. That’s all she wanted. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. My client was talking about what she needed, to stay in her relationship. And that got me thinking today. We really make it harder than it has to be. Let’s get into it…

They had been together for 2 years. She said that now, they don’t even talk. When I asked her what she needed? She replied very little. That she just wanted him to check in with her. She was referring to when he got home, he wouldn’t even take a few minutes to ask how her day was. Or simply say it’s good to be home, and I love you. She went on to explain that the first year was great sex and adventures. Year number two was a decline in intimacy. Now year number 3, she can’t even get 5 fucking minutes from him. From the minute he gets in, he grabs a beer and straight to the couch to watch Sports Center.

There is almost always a decline after the newness wears off. That is why your relationship better have more than the physical. It takes common interest and respect to make it long term. I like to use the analogy dating but married. Set aside the greatest sex, my wife and I have never stopped dating. I recently wrote about this. That has been why we’ve been so close for the past 20 years. Yes, we are married. But if you just met us, you would think we were dating. And that’s because we talk. We continue to pour into each other by getting out of our comfort zone. And it’s not always about us. Sometimes it’s about a life of service. Where can we make the greatest contribution? See what I am getting at? We stay involved in each other, thus we rarely encounter problems.

I work crazy hours. Some days I can work as much as 18 hours in a day. And do you know what? I check in with my wife often. I do this for 2 reasons. One, she is my anchor. Due to the nature of my work, she helps me stay grounded. Two, she is the most important thing in the universe to me. If she doesn’t come first, then I really don’t deserve her. It is during those long work days, that the very least I can do is offer her 5 fucking minutes. She knows how passionate I am about my profession. So on those long ass days, 5 minutes is enough to keep us connected.

Assumption is the mother of all relationship killers. Just because you have been together a lifetime, doesn’t mean you’re going to know what your significant other is thinking. But truth be told, my wife and I got it down pretty good. Most of the time, we do know what the other is thinking. But not always. And that is why we ask. And that is how we stay connected. You see, many of us stop asking. Then we stop talking. Soon, we stop touching. You know what comes next? Nothing! And that’s the kiss of death.

When I think back on that conversation with my client, I couldn’t help but think how many of us are wanting more from our relationships. Now is the time to ask. Start a dialog. Normalize rediscovering each other again. Because by the time you are asking for 5 fucking minutes…in many cases it will be too late.

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Vance Larson

I am a retired crisis counselor of 20 years, and have spent the last decade working as both a Life Coach and Hypnotherapist.