Action Only

Actions only. That’s it. And that’s all.

When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, there will always {at times} be disagreements or conflicts. That’s to be expected, and it is actually healthy. We all need a little push back from time to time. Because that is what helps us grow. With that said, it’s how we work through complicated times, that define us and, gives us insight on whether or not we should stay connected. So I come back to actions. Your words either back it up, or you can back the fuck out…

My profession as a counselor, coach and consultant has put me in touch with thousands of people. Spanning almost 40 years, it’s your actions that determine your relationship situation. Always at war with the people in your life? You at some point need to ask yourself, “Why is this happening?” You should be taking a look at your actions, and not words. Yes, while words hurt, it is our behaviors that tell the real story.

You know the saying, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them”? Well, believe them. It’s like when someone recently finds God or gets clean, they have a new perspective on life. And they usually have a lot to say. But here’s the the thing. I will always be supportive and I am genuinely happy for you. But I am also cautious in my dealings with you. Just in my practice alone, I have literally seen hundreds of couples in distress. At one point or another, I usually hear, “But I have changed, or It will never happen again.” And while I believe that they believe that, in many cases, we often see that it is complete bullshit. I see this in domestic violence situations, as well in serial cheaters…among a few examples. Actions baby. It is always about actions.

A guy approached me a few months back and he recently found God. I was truly delighted to see that he was doing something positive. But I watch. My lifelong profession dictates that I read people. {Notice I said read, not judge.} Do I get it wrong at times? Yes, of course. But something about this gentleman didn’t feel right. His words were profound and on point. But it felt off. So I stayed connected, but not close. Fast forward to 3 months down the road, the behavior changed, and the words soon followed. While I am not going to get into specifics, it was bad. Real bad.

So my message is today, watch what they do, and don’t focus on what they say. There are 5000 examples I could give, but I’ll use this one. Not all who call you friend, are your friend. A lot of people may say they will be there for you, but in reality, they will not. And that’s okay. But when it comes to our close personal relationships, if their actions don’t match their words, run! If it hurts emotionally, time to start asking questions. If it hurts physically, I promise you that’s not love.

In the case of the guy that found God and then things went south, I still care for him. Just as I care for all the addicts who in their early recovery said that this was their last time. I cheer for them. That’s what I do. But just because I want what’s best for you, doesn’t mean you’re going to have access to me. Just because you found God and sling a little scripture, honestly doesn’t hold any weight with me. In fact if you have found God, and I can’t tell you have by your actions, your words certainly won’t hold any merit with me.

Actions only. That’s it. And that’s all.

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Vance Larson

Vance Larson

I am a retired crisis counselor of 20 years, and have spent the last decade working as both a Life Coach and Hypnotherapist.