Bricks. A ton of them. I’ve just been hit. That’s what it felt like this morning. You see, one of my clients died. We weren’t really close. But for some reason, it just hit differently today. And while I lose a client about every other month, it’s a far cry from losing one every week, like I did when I worked HIV AIDS in the late 80’s early 90’s. So why did it hit harder today…
I used to be indestructible. My long term wife would tell you, I simply don’t flinch. No matter what was going on, or how bad it got, I kept on rolling. She used to tease me about not being human. She often called me a robot. Which was crazy, because I have this gift to meet people on such a deep personal level. It just never leveled me.
I’m 38 years into the game…of mental health. I seen the worst that life has to offer. I’ve seen and held many people as they die. But now, there is a kink in my armor. There sometimes can be a pause. It doesn’t keep me down for longer than a matter of minutes. But for me, that seems like a lifetime. And the same holds true for my personal life. In the past 4 years, I lost my daughter, father, brother, 2 aunts and a few friends. There was a pause, but literally for a matter of minutes. I know. Crazy, right?
I don’t know why I am built this way. I do love the fact then when crisis hits, no one does it better. But I mentioned the pause. The loss of a step. I am human. I do have feelings. A lifetime of meditation has taught me to honor where I am, and to always be grateful. So here I am. Hit by a ton of bricks. All I can do is say thank you. Now time to pick up those bricks and build a better life for all that I share space with.