Half In, Half Out
Half in, half out…of the world. That’s where I am at. And it is becoming increasingly obvious. So, what does that mean? My life and actions reflect my awareness of the time that I have left. A few months shy of turning 60, I stopped giving much thought to the end game. I am now firmly grounded in the present.
I love life. But after spending my entire life working in the helping profession, I have come to realize that life is neither just, nor unjust. It just is. Does that mean I have given up? Not at all. It just cemented my consciousness in the now. I know that some really bad things are going to happen. I also know that they are powerless without my reaction. I am as care free and as optimistic as you will find. But I am a realest. Some very fucked up things are going to go down.
In the past 4 years, I have lost my daughter, mother, father, brother, 2 aunts, a couple of friends and a boat load of clients. And on top of that, I support a disabled wife. I could be mad. I could feel like life is unfair. I could play the victim card. And I believe that most would feel it is justified. But my saving grace. Ah, the sweet sound of death. Because I am half in, half out. I got maybe 20 years left, give or take. I can ride that out. Or, if I choose, I can take myself out. Most of my people are already gone. The only real incentive that I have to stay is, to be a lifeline for a remaining few.
Life…it has been amazing. I have traveled, loved deeply, made a lot of money and helped a lot of people. The flip side of that coin is, I have held far too many people who have died, lost a ton of money, battled some very serious health issues, and been pushed to my limits on more than few occasions. The beauty of that is, once you have lost everything, there is little to no fear left. So, when I say that I don’t give a fuck, you better believe that I really don’t.
Where does God fit into all of this? I have been blessed to earn a degree in Divinity, and serve as a Chaplain for many years. I personally do not believe in religion. Nor do I subscribe to the concept of God. And I really don’t buy into the bullshit concept that we are born into sin. No disrespect to your beliefs, I just can’t rock with that program. And that is all it is. Programming. Still, I believe in something much greater than me. And until you have lost everything, and watched hundreds of people die in the HIV/AIDS population {in a time when there were no treatments or cure}, you start asking some questions.
It’s a beautiful sunny day. I got to spend some time at the water in meditation this morning. I’m in this life, and I am trying. But more than half my tribe is gone and I fear not that one day, my life come to an end. And why do I not fear. Because I was grateful for every breath that enter my lungs, and all of the steps that led me through every journey…both good and bad. And I know that for the most part, I have led a righteous life. And a righteous life is the cure to a fear of death. Because we don’t die. We simply transition to a greater love than we can imagine. And the righteous actions are the vehicle in that transition.
