Hell House

My optimism proves to be too much for some people. I am totally cool with that. I have little time, and little energy to engage those who have built a life out of holding onto pain. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for those who embrace pain as a means to get clarity. But I am talking about those who go out of their way to focus on the problem. That’s low energy, victim mentality. And if that is you, I have nothing but love for you. But I will love you from across the room.

First, don’t compare. Everyone knows someone who has got to “out” pain you. Second, those in many cases are rehashing a pain point from years ago. While it is understandable that some people get stuck, get help. People will find it hard to support you, if you’re not willing to support yourself. Third, they use their pain to cause pain. They’re hurting and they want you to hurt too. Now hear this. Fuck that noise!

Having worked in mental health my entire life, {that’s 39 years in my chosen profession} the game changer was when I was told, “You can’t outwork your clients.” Boom! Light bulb moment. In fact, I can’t even help them. They have to help themselves. All I can do is be there for them. And that’s when I learned that many people don’t want help. Help requires action on their part. And while it is tragic that some people have gone through Hell. What is even more tragic is, those who built a house there.

I have often shared some of my stories as a point of reference. And despite the last 4 years me losing my daughter, brother, father, mother, 2 aunts, and a few friends, I refuse to build a house in Hell. It is quite the opposite. The loss has led me to love, appreciation, and a true attitude of gratitude. {Don’t you just hate that saying?} But it is true.

I was asked, “How can I move through the loss so effortlessly?” The answer is that one day I will be in the box. {More like burned, because I don’t give a fuck.} The point is, live now. You know the saying that, “Misery loves company. But so does joy. And joy throws a better party.” Tune into that. Embrace that. Believe that. It’s okay to leave people behind. Sure, if they’re putting in the work, match their energy. But if they are building a house in Hell, the only thing that will happen is it will burn.

39 years I have put in thousands of hours professionally. Personally, my optimism keeps those in the Hell houses away. It is not about judgement. Every night the wife and I hold hands in prayer, and call many of them by name. We donate to charity, and I continue to work in human services everyday. I try to make a difference. And yes, I will go to Hell for those who are struggling. But if I see you building a house. You lose me.

Sometimes you have to lose some people to find yourself. Throw someone a lifeline. Encourage another. Do not. And I repeat, do not accept an invitation to a Hell house. All you can do is show someone the way out. But ultimately, they must make that walk.