I Am Married…Most Of The Time

I was meditating in the shower this morning, as I often do, and I got to thinking about this one client years ago, that I call “Most Of The Time Married”. A very successful, high powered, high profile person. They were in my office, talking about how they were feeling a little off. During which time I asked, “How is your marriage?” Without hesitation they replied “All is well”. After a few minutes of deep diving into their relationship dynamic, they said that on occasion, they would sleep with another, while on business. I asked if their partner knew, and they said it’s kind of an understanding. Okay, where to start….

It’s not for me, you, or anyone else to judge another’s relationship. But in this case, they were asking for help and my opinion. Kind of an understanding? The client went on to say that their partner never asked, and since they had many partners prior to their relationship, it was just kind of assumed that, that wouldn’t change. You got to do better than that. If you aren’t setting the ground rules, then you can throw assumption out the window. Turns out, after these very infrequent infidelities, they would kind of retreat on an emotional level. They were doing this subconsciously. When their partner picked up on their distance, it became a problem.

We’re not talking about infidelity, cheating, wrong and right. What we’re really talking about is intimacy. You have to talk. You have to listen. You have to be vulnerable. I get it. No one wants to be vulnerable. But without it, you can only get so close to someone. And if that is your goal, you can stop reading now. However, if you want a true partnership on the deepest level, you’re going to share your fears, resentments, goals, past…and pretty much everything else that make up you. Because all of those things have formed you. And at some point in time, they’re going to surface again. And if you already talked about it, there won’t be any surprises.

My client and their partner are no longer together. Not for the infidelity, but for other reasons that drove them further apart. In regards to relationships {any relationships}, I’m a firm believer in full transparency. And yes, sometimes being transparent gets in our way. Case in point…after I decided to go back to work when my wife was well enough to take care for herself {she is fully disabled}, I was turned away from job after job because I was honest about why I was applying. It was a stop gap job. And no one wants to hire a 50 something, over educated man who is looking to move on. It was frustrating and a lesser paying job, but a potential work relationship, is none the less a relationship. And I refuse to start a relationship on a lie.

So try not to be “Most Of The Time”. Be upfront about who you are and what you want. You know that friend in your personal circle who goes from one failed relationship to another? Yeah, look into that. By knowing who you are and being upfront about it, you are saving both time and heartache. Or don’t. Maybe being married “most of the time” will work out for you. I’m sure it’s possible. But I have yet to see it happen.