The Shield

Over the past couple of months, the wife and I have had a string of bad luck. We don’t talk about it though, because what we talk about is what becomes magnified. This morning while talking to my wife, we were deciding if she needs to go to the hospital. At one point she said something that made me pause. It made me get into character real quick. While my day job is running a rapid response team. In the evening, I am in private practice. It was at that moment this morning, I knew I needed to become the shield. So I did.

My wife has had more than a handful of surgeries. Serious life altering surgeries. She is disabled and has not been able to work in about a decade. To complicate matters, I make too much money. She can’t even collect disability. And that adds a level of stress for her. I cover all the bills and do most of the shopping. She contributes what she can, by helping around the house when she is able.

I realized long ago, that she is carrying a huge weight. So whatever I can do to make her life easier, I will. In fact, we have discussed it on more than a few occasions. I’ll do everything. Her only job is to not give up. Nothing comes before her. Nothing!

But all relationships have to have balance. A few years ago our worst day happened. She called me in hysterics, screaming our daughter had passed away. I hung up the phone and thought my life would never be the same again. And it hasn’t. For the next 2 years, I didn’t break. I gave her everything. All I could. I let her go through the healing process, and I kept on guiding, loving and holding her. I shielded her from as much as I could. Then it was payback time.

We travel a lot. Not so much lately, but for about 3 years, we were traveling once, if not twice a month. This one particular trip was close to the date that our daughter had passed. That morning when I woke up, I looked at my wife and lost it. It was the first time since my daughter had passed that I allowed myself to fully feel it. I fell into her arms and just cried. Not a word was spoken, she knew she needed to shield me. We went on to have an amazing trip.

So this morning while we were in the hospital, I realized that we save each other every day. We shield each other every day. I more so than her. Not because I am stronger, she just lives with chronic pain that no one should have to live with. And because she won’t give up, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. She is both the love, and meaning of my life. Whatever I have to do to shield her, I will. I am her safe space. As she is mine.

With a love that has transcended this world for over 20 years, we honor the dance. Most of the time I lead, but she is fully capable. And when one of us needs a shield, the other instinctively gears up and provides that safety. I will shield her until the last breath of air is expelled from my body. And she for me. And that is the true function of a relationship. I got you. I love you. I will protect you. I am the shield.